"i for an i." - The board of Apple resolving conflict.

Would anyone really be surprised if Zooey Deschanel was just a bunch of scarves stacked on top of each other?

I'm so single, I spilled ice cream all over the Monopoly game I'm playing with myself.

"serving size: 2 cookies"

in what world pepperidge farm

in what world

That was the loudest tortilla chip I ever ate, and now the funeral is ruined.

A tree falls down in the forest. It calmly gets up and keeps walking, thankful that no one was around to hear it.

"It's quiet in here! Almost too quiet..." - Helen Keller

Got really frustrated with my girlfriend after she told me to quit the lumberjack jokes, so I said one more. She axed for it.

Shopping at Walmart is weird. Why is there a coke bottle in the shampoo section? how did these two black kids get in my cart

My car finally hit 150000 miles and I didn't know what to do, so I sang it happy birthday and felt super single about it.

Sorry, I was homeschooled. What are drugs or relationships?

Generational gaps can be tough. My mom's watching the Dick Van Dyke show.
I'm writing "I AM AN AWESOME DRAGON" on the wall with a Sharpie

"This took a turn for the worse" i joked as i drove off a cliff hahaha everyone in the car is screaming in laughter

"I persecuted the Jews before it was a thing." - Adolf Hipster

I guess "having a creative edge" doesn't apply to my signature on bank statements, so no paycheck this year.

Awesome game to play with your kids: lose them in a supermarket and go home

"What Makes You Hermoso" - Juan Direction

Whitney Houston, we have a problem.

Tonight's To-Do List:

1.
2.
3.
4. Accomplishment celebration with pringles

On a scale from 1 to 10 of my likeliness of getting a job, most of my friends said "4" or "Ace Ventura"