Why aren't we all just talking 24/7 about how dinosaurs turned into tiny birds that get stuck in food courts

@seinfeld2000 Gotye find dead birde in park and cradel it and rais it like his son, honestly its sad, a very special episoed. ipad nano.

Looks like there's a guy on the street filming butts for an obesity story. Everybody hide your obese butts

@mrtonymartin Just slid the "recommended" sign one book to the left, I think the bookstore had made a terrible mistake http://t.co/Ux2tJ81

I don't want to alarm you, but there is literally a skeleton inside you right now.

Youth is wasted on the young. Also wasted on the young: THOSE SHOES WITH WHEELS IN THEM

Tina Fey thinks people on Twitter are boring, does she even KNOW I saw a crow in the gutter last weekend eating a whole box of Krispy Kremes

2012: the year all adult males dressed like 10-year-old Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone pic.twitter.com/BD1IT9in

I wonder if people who have tribal tattoos ever forget they have tribal tattoos and then remember they have tribal tattoos and are like "oh"

"fast and furious 5 + r̶o̶y̶a̶l̶ ̶w̶e̶d̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ osama ???" - South Park writers' room whiteboard

Check out my remix of Giorgio by Moroder (it's the same track but I have inserted myself talking about how I used to work in a supermarket)

After you die there's just a big long montage of every time you tried to untangle a pair of headphones, sorry

Not sure who was playing bongos at midnight, maybe our apartment was built on top of an ancient Matthew McConaughey burial ground

I am worried New Zealand doesn't have enough content to warrant 2 islands

All you hilarious people writing "Bill Posters is innocent" on walls, do you even KNOW that Bill Posters murdered an entire family in 1996?

Saw a crow eating a corncob out of the gutter and realised it's hard to tell if a crow is hitting rock bottom or reaching new heights

Very old lady at airport complains to barista that her muffin tastes "of poo" while Rolling in the Deep plays loudly overhead

hey @barackobama i heard you were in canberra. i know its 11pm but do you want to come over to eat some doritos. pls bring doritos

They call me the urinal cake because I spend most of my day in public toilets and girls don't know I exist.

Nelly Furtado used to be like a bird in that she wanted to fly away, now she's like a bird in that she looks like she would shit on your car