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No one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.
I miss the days when solving all my problems meant blowing the dust out of a Nintendo cartridge.
Dammit Kevin Costner, you had one job!
Whenever I walk by someone in a weelchair, I try not to enjoy my legs so much.
If you say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror, someone will appear and tell you that you can't order drinks in the bathroom.
I'd rather have someone walk in on me masturbating than watch me parallel park.
I like to watch old movies so I can see what my car looked like when it was new.
"It's so nice outside. I think I'm going to go terrify people, just by existing" - bees
When I see an Asian man jogging outside, I like to think he's running away from a difficult math problem.
"Jesus, if you're up there..." - text message to an upstairs Mexican neighbor
"You have some tiny cuts and scratches on your hands. Here, let me show you..." - hand sanitizer
The best part of being single is leaving the toilet seat up. HAHAHA LOL! And crying into the toilet bowl.
My dad showed me a magic trick when I was young. He disappeared. :(
One billion dollars? They could have just downloaded Instagram for free.
I have no idea how to dance to dubstep, but my first instinct would be to shoot myself in the stomach.
I bet the first person to whistle was trying to put out a really tiny fire.
I just told my computer to get a life, because it was taking too long to load a cat video.
Fire alarms are just a constant reminder that I really suck at cooking.
If I could have dinner with a historical leader, it would be Gandhi, because I'd be like, "Are you going to eat that?" & he'd be like, "No."
Someone has replaced my clothes with identical smaller clothes!
I'm super into things and stuff I like. Also, founder and creator of @mu4ma.