No one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.

I miss the days when solving all my problems meant blowing the dust out of a Nintendo cartridge.

Dammit Kevin Costner, you had one job!

Whenever I walk by someone in a weelchair, I try not to enjoy my legs so much.

If you say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror, someone will appear and tell you that you can't order drinks in the bathroom.

I'd rather have someone walk in on me masturbating than watch me parallel park.

I like to watch old movies so I can see what my car looked like when it was new.

"It's so nice outside. I think I'm going to go terrify people, just by existing" - bees

When I see an Asian man jogging outside, I like to think he's running away from a difficult math problem.

"Jesus, if you're up there..." - text message to an upstairs Mexican neighbor

"You have some tiny cuts and scratches on your hands. Here, let me show you..." - hand sanitizer

The best part of being single is leaving the toilet seat up. HAHAHA LOL! And crying into the toilet bowl.

My dad showed me a magic trick when I was young. He disappeared. :(

One billion dollars? They could have just downloaded Instagram for free.

I have no idea how to dance to dubstep, but my first instinct would be to shoot myself in the stomach.

I bet the first person to whistle was trying to put out a really tiny fire.

I just told my computer to get a life, because it was taking too long to load a cat video.

Fire alarms are just a constant reminder that I really suck at cooking.

If I could have dinner with a historical leader, it would be Gandhi, because I'd be like, "Are you going to eat that?" & he'd be like, "No."

Someone has replaced my clothes with identical smaller clothes!