I'm by myself in an empty mall parking lot reading Twitter. There's never been a less apt phrase than "social network."

I wonder why I mostly follow women on Twitter? 'Course, I do the same thing in my van.

Can't bring myself to close Twitter . . . the Tweet that changes EVERYTHING could come along any second now.

I have fewer stars than an episode of Celebrity Rehab.

Alot of atheists have swapped devotion to God for devotion to being insufferable dicks.

I just lost two followers and it felt exactly like that time with mommy and the gas station and the nice social worker.

3 p.m. me, at work: "Cake in the breakroom. Sweet."

7 a.m. me, on the scale: "What kind of asshole just leaves cake lying around?"

When you say "I'm great at multi-tasking" I hear "I kinda suck at alot of things at once."

If I get to 100 followers I'm gonna let all the "houseguests" in my basement go free.

When did it become acceptable for kids to run around stores like they have a flaming arrow in their crotch or free will or something?

My daughter thinks I'm not a manly-man 'cause I can't build anything. If she saw this credit card debt I've built up she'd feel SO stupid.

There's no "i" in "team" but there's definitely a "me" in "lame."

Was at this club with free booze and I'm all like 'show me them titties!' and Sister Margaret was all like 'No.'

I think I've become "ewww, I can't believe I almost fucked him!" fat.

Some life journeys lead to self-discovery and triumph. Mine is headed toward a convenience store with double-stuff oreos on sale.

We could save alot of money on law enforcement if we just arrested everyone who over-uses quotation marks. They are "all" psychotic.

Thanks for the Tweet of the Day imaginary friend who thinks I'm hilarious and adorable!

If all of your pictures show you looking up at the camera, I'm gonna assume you've got some kind of chubby centaur situation to manage.

Every serious mistake I've ever made can be traced back to boobs.

Everyone in this Long John Silvers is using a walker or supplemental oxygen. Connected? Dunno, but my fried chicken and fish is AWESOME.