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Text messages: the perfect way to fight with your wife in a room full of family.
Here, let me fuck that up for you.
Cutting my chest hair out in patches rather than continuing to pull off Dora bandaids my 2 year old stuck to me again.
Just spent an hour at the gym doing my "why bother" workout.
A forgotten travel-alarm-clock just went off in the car. For a moment I thought I was going to have to choose which wire to cut. #MacGyver
My cats and I play this awesome game where they pee wherever they want to in the house and I clean it up and complain about the smell.
Who the fuck is Mumford and why is a banjo exploding all over my alt rock station?
100 degrees at start, 86 at finish. signed up for 30k and assumed I'd run extra for 45k. Got to 30k and DONE. Well done. Deep fried.
Hey lady who cut me off how about a little less waving and a little more gas pedal mkaythanks
Who's going to a business dinner with 4 people who primarily speak Spanish? THIS GUY!! Time to bust out my gracias's and por favors. Y tu?
It's a sad world-my 4 yr old told me about "fire drills" at school where they lock the door, turn off the lights and practice being quiet.
Hearing about my 20 year high school reunion brings hating people to a whole new level.
Love it when I send myself an email and then promptly forget and get excited when a new email arrives 1 second later.
You know that part of the video game that isn't hard but you have a mental block that keeps you from getting thru it? That, only with life.
Kenny's from best to worst:
I have a Ph.D. in fucking things up. Am I qualified for this job or what?
Bio...logy? Bio...hazard? Bio...tch? I don't understand the question.