If I followed people in real life based on the criteria I use on Twitter I'd be arrested for sexual harassment at the standup comedy club.

The Four Horsemen of the Modern Apocalypse:

1. Global Warming,
2. McDonald's,
3. Wall Street and
4. Facebook.

Facebook is to friendships what wanking is to intercourse.

The reason everyone hates Xmas?

You see your parents (caricatures of all your bad habits) AND your kids (proof that you perpetuate them).

"Merry Zmas!"

- Zombies, maybe.

Today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again.

@micheleakalips @bouncerface also, no one has ever said "your vagina is so hot!" in the history of the known universe. Fact.

One shoe bomb attempt and everyone takes their shoes off at airports. Dozens of massacres since Columbine and no change in gun laws?

If I were a native American particle physicist with a sense if humour I would change my name to Laughing Matter.

Sometimes what you notice first about a person is their nose or their hair, but more often it's they're assholes.

#funnygrammar

If you have green tea with your American pancakes with butter and maple syrup that makes it a healthy breakfast, right?

Everyone: getting starred and retweeted is a real ego boost.

You should try it.

Time is slowing dowwn. Musst geeeet oooouuuttt oooooofffff thereeeeeee ooooooofffffffffiiiiiiiccccccccccccceeeeeeeeeee.

It used to be that blokes made pacts to destroy each others' porn if the other died.

Now it's smart phone death pacts that are made.

If your life was a cartoon, which ca-- What am I saying? Your life IS a cartoon.

Sore throat and sore ass. If I didn't know any better I'd say I was an overworked gay porn star.

Oscar Wilde was the greatest twitterer that ever lived, and he did so before Twitter even existed.

Respect.

I've got no beef with you, I'm just steak-ing the place out.

I live in mortal fear of mistakenly publishing deviant smut on FB or, worse still, holiday food pictures in here.

Music is at its best when not performed.