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When you have more than 20 anti-gay marriage bumper stickers, I'm gonna assume you've blown a dude in a public bathroom at some point.
Realization: The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin' like 90 percent of the time that first year.
Ironically, as we speak, countless opponents of same-sex marriage are consoling themselves with same-sex sex.
When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?
Just heard a fratboy yell "SEX!" in a crowded parking lot. If he gets laid tonight, I'm officially punching Charles Darwin in the nuts.
A childlike love of wizardry is one of the most magical things a guy can share with a girl right before she doesn't have sex with him.
Singing pop songs but replacing key phrases with my cats' names - I'll be spending the rest of the day not getting laid if anyone needs me.
Having an adult-sized Spiderman costume is like having a black-belt in virginity.
If I was ripped like Jesus, I probably wouldn't wear a shirt to my execution either.
You know those days when you're so good at sex you feel like you should be the President of Porn?
Or have an actual partner?
I bet the guy who invented those giant "Number 1" foam fingers is amazing at foreplay.
I got shampoo in my eye two days ago and I can barely see out of it.
Anyway, I don't know how girls do porn.
It's amazing how poetic, romantic or even erotic sign language can be
when you have your hand down someone's pants.
It's amazing how a few thousand well-placed figurines in an office can make a coworker seem crazy.
I use "safeword" as my password and "password" as my safeword.
My bank account and sex life have never felt more secure.
FACT: That glazed look I have when you use the phrase "take it all in" is me laughing at the dick joke in my head.
Answering someone's blog with a long-winded poem is like countering a debate with interpretive dance.
Sometimes you have to take a good, hard look in the mirror.
(to really get an accurate measurement)
Based on what I've seen throughout the years, a chain-wallet is the most stylish way to guard ten dollars and a maxed-out credit card.
If I ever failed a drug test, I'd tell them "I put the *casual* in business casual." then I'd laugh & laugh & forget what I was laughing at.