When you have more than 20 anti-gay marriage bumper stickers, I'm gonna assume you've blown a dude in a public bathroom at some point.

Realization: The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin' like 90 percent of the time that first year.

Ironically, as we speak, countless opponents of same-sex marriage are consoling themselves with same-sex sex.

When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?

Just heard a fratboy yell "SEX!" in a crowded parking lot. If he gets laid tonight, I'm officially punching Charles Darwin in the nuts.

A childlike love of wizardry is one of the most magical things a guy can share with a girl right before she doesn't have sex with him.

Singing pop songs but replacing key phrases with my cats' names - I'll be spending the rest of the day not getting laid if anyone needs me.

Having an adult-sized Spiderman costume is like having a black-belt in virginity.

If I was ripped like Jesus, I probably wouldn't wear a shirt to my execution either.

You know those days when you're so good at sex you feel like you should be the President of Porn?


Or have an actual partner?

I bet the guy who invented those giant "Number 1" foam fingers is amazing at foreplay.

I got shampoo in my eye two days ago and I can barely see out of it.




Anyway, I don't know how girls do porn.

It's amazing how poetic, romantic or even erotic sign language can be

when you have your hand down someone's pants.

It's amazing how a few thousand well-placed figurines in an office can make a coworker seem crazy.

I use "safeword" as my password and "password" as my safeword.

My bank account and sex life have never felt more secure.

FACT: That glazed look I have when you use the phrase "take it all in" is me laughing at the dick joke in my head.

Answering someone's blog with a long-winded poem is like countering a debate with interpretive dance.

Sometimes you have to take a good, hard look in the mirror.

(to really get an accurate measurement)

Based on what I've seen throughout the years, a chain-wallet is the most stylish way to guard ten dollars and a maxed-out credit card.

If I ever failed a drug test, I'd tell them "I put the *casual* in business casual." then I'd laugh & laugh & forget what I was laughing at.