"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

Don't hand me a microphone at your wedding reception if you don't want to listen to a 30 minute lecture on municipal bonds.

Guy in a commercial busting out his acoustic at McDonald's. Power move.

The seagulls down at the waste transfer station have a lot to learn about friendship.

They say when Mr. Clean first arrived in the US he had about $60 in his pocket & only spoke Lithuanian. Look at him now.

At least I'm not the guy watching Chip & Dale cartoons on a library computer & refusing to lower the volume after multiple requests.

If you're piloting a large commercial aircraft & your instruments have stopped working, I'm flattered you're taking time to read this tweet.

Snuck into an impound lot after hours to grab the air freshener, Beanie Babies & "Best of Cameo" cd out of my Lumina.

How you guys doing out there tonight? You ready to party? Let me hear you! Okay, this next song's a new one & it's about Windows 8!

This country is like a filthy old ice cream truck dragging its muffler in the breakdown lane but still blasting "The Entertainer". #USA

The Yoga Code dictates that one may never use one's yoga skills to do harm to another except in cases of self defense.

A woman in a leather cowgirl getup approached me at what I THOUGHT was a family-friendly liquor store to tell me all about Ron Jeremy Rum.

RT if you can't really say for sure, but you have your suspicions this thing goes all the way to the top.

A cop warned me about putting my "parking report cards" under the wiper blades of strangers' cars, but I feel like I'm making a difference.

If you see your elderly neighbor's empty trash barrels rolling around in the street & don't drag them to the sidewalk, you & I are through.

For 22 years my brother has been vehemently denying accusations that he drew a slice of pepperoni pizza on his shorts. I know what I saw.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking, drinking, amphetamines & sniffing glue.

You probably shouldn't let someone known as Sweet Wendy do your taxes.

Trying to convince my brother he should see a doctor about the scratch he got from an organ grinder's monkey three decades ago.

It's kind of a dick move to fill a time capsule with rags & shredded newspaper.