What is it about a child-with-a-cold that makes them want to climb all over me and breathe in my face? Not cool child-with-a-cold, not cool.

I'm sure this has been said before, but it bears repeating: What the hell happened to Mickey Rourke? Is it going to get worse?

A guy unfollowed; said I wasn't slutty enough! Won't he be sad when I publish my memoir, "Whorey McWhorington: My Adventures in Whoring".

We have eight years to turn into the world depicted in Bladerunner. Get on it, scientists.

My milkshake is pretty good, but I find my Yorkshire pudding slightly more effective at bringing boys to the yard.

I've already raptured, like, three times today. So I'm good, thanks!

Sharp observation. Pornographic quip. Witty remark. Self-deprecating comment. Sad emoticon.

I don't know what Golden Corral is, but from reading your tweets I gather they are showcasing a germ-riddled chocolate fountain.

I don't know what's worse: that I'm awake at 5am on a Sunday, or that I'm on favstar at 5am on a Sunday. This cannot bode well either way.

Was handed lemons; made lemonade. Spilled it.

Let me unfurl your tightly-wound, hand-rolled oolong with steamy warm water...then trickle that brew into my eagerly waiting mouth! #TeaPorn

Anyone else disappointed to find out male koalas are really rape-y?

Hey, BOC! My fear of the reaper hasn't diminished one bit, despite your very repetitive advice. Thanks for nothing, jerks!

This ain't a subtweet, it's a DOMtweet, mofos!!
....what's a subtweet?

Huh. Some of you aren't as nice as I thought. Well poo on you and I hope you get a good dose of the clap.

If any of you are curious as to how my night is going: within one hour I managed to stub both baby toes and the cat clawed my lovelies. Ace!

Oh, like you haven't said stupid shit on Twitter before. (Subtweet to no one in particular.) (Except you.)

OMG Just how depraved are you???!!! (No, really. Tell me. I wanna know).

There is a very fine line between spouting a non sequitor and sounding like a ditz. You know, I think I really like vanilla pudding.

Daughter, 4: Mommy is this a kung-fu move? Is this a kung-fu move? Is this a kung-fu move? Is this a kung-fu move?Can we have a pet monkey?