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Look, if your employees are unwilling to discuss neutrinos traveling faster than the speed of light, maybe don't call it Einstein Bagels.
Me to the boy: "You have to go to school. It's like your job." Him to me: "Would you go to work if you didn't get paid?" Crap.
The boy: "Is that what you're wearing to the conference?" Me: "Is that what you're wearing to the orphanage?"
The highlight of my day? Borrowing my dad's phone & using it to text my sister. The text? "I'm very disappointed in your life choices." FTW
Some lady at work asked me if I made my shirt. Do I look like a fucking eight-year-old Chinese child? Jesus Christ, some people are idiots.
In an effort to save money, I packed my lunch to eat at my desk, and my boss is all, "You can't drink beer in the office."
Hey, liquor store clerks, asking me if I'm having a party is like asking a fat girl if she's pregnant.
"That's how it's done, bitch." Probably not the best thing to say. While playing Wii. With a 9 yr old boy.
Being a female, there are some things I miss out on. Like earning a fair wage or giving a chest bump.
Thinking about adopting a child from Vietnam so my nails always look fabulous.
I'm brewing some tea. Alright, it's a vodka tonic. Actually, a vodka tonic without the tonic. Whatever, I'm drinking vodka from the bottle.
Twitter: where you lose followers with Gandhi quotes and gain followers with rape jokes. There's a life lesson there somewhere.
Everyone's always, "You should tell the truth." Until you call their kid an asshole.
I tried to use logic to get the boy to do his chores. I lost him at disjunctive syllogism. Kids these days.
Me to the boy: "Time for bed." Him to me: "Really, what is time?" Way to make me regret getting him the Einstein biography.
I started crying in the middle of a meeting and it's like no one cares that Harry Potter is ending.
No, Google. Not a vibratING alarm clock. A vibratOR alarm clock. Just do your fucking job without judging me.
This morning, I weighed myself while brushing my teeth and I can't believe my toothbrush weighs four pounds!
Casey Anthony's not guilty verdict is my new favorite parenting tool.
Hips don't lie. Mine say I like ice cream and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Eventual writer. I once ate three packages of instant mashed potatoes in a single day. That was a good day.