@christophr's most faved Tweets...
A bird in the hand may very well be worth two in the bush but I can't pay for shit online with it. Also, the bird just crapped on my arm.
16
Anti-social networking. That's a thing, right? Like joining Facebook but then denying every friend request? Related: I need therapy.
11
Whenever a doctor wants to do xrays on me, I always tell them it's unnecessary, yet somehow, they end up seeing right through me.
6
Just had a Monster energy drink. I can report it tasted like cough syrup and ass. Related: it's hard to type and vibrate simultaneously.
6
So some Tumblr pages automatically play music now? So help me god, if you people turn this into another MySpace, I burn down the internet.
5
If by "phone it in" you mean "spend the day sleeping pantsless under my desk" then yeah, I'd agree. I should have "phoned it in" today.
5
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And if you just can't help yourself, that's why Twitter exists.
5
If I ever snap one day, killing a bunch of people, myself included, and people want to know why I did it, you can say you know why: IE6/7.
5
If one is the lonliest number that you'll ever know, it's probably time you got out of your parent's basement and met some other numbers.
5
Being broke is all about realizing that the lunchmeat company totally should have put "turkey" in air quotes on their packaging.
4
Mark Wahlberg talks to my spirit animal: "Hey. How's it going there, spirit animal? I see you're invisible. Say hello to ya mother for me."
4
I don't think the glass is half empty OR half full. I think it's probably just going to get broken anyway so who really gives a shit?
4
If I had to imagine what stabbing kittens with fiery pitchforks in hell sounded like, I'd guess it's like Sheryl Crow's "Leaving Las Vegas".
4
If Tim Meadows and Barack Obama had a love child, he would look EXACTLY like my bank teller. It's a crazy world out there, kids.
4
If today were Halloween, I'd be going as one tired sumbitch. Fortunately, it's tomorrow and I can go as one tired, drunk sumbitch.
4
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar