@chucknoritz's (Chuck Noritz) recent favourites. See who @chucknoritz favs the most...
And the Virgin Mary looked up at the star above the manger in Bethlehem and said,
"That's just my baby daddy!"
"That's just my baby daddy!"
9
When I get to the register, I arrange my items in size order and by color. And do you know why? Oh god, I was hoping you would.
A graduate degree just means you weren't pretty enough to skate by on your looks. If only we could all be illiterate southern belles.
Jon Favreau just keeps eating older versions of Jon Favreau. The key to Hollywood success is to always reingest yourself.
11
What was I thinking? GOD!… I'm so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID! And fat. FAT.
I'm never wearing my Chun Li outfit to speed dating again!!
I'm never wearing my Chun Li outfit to speed dating again!!
All I need is a dope beat and a mic. And a skim caramel macchiato with whip. Ooo, and sushi for lunch! (I'm gangsta-impaired.)
A 20yo woman wearing an old-man fedora--that's dressing ironically?
The only way clothes would be "ironic" is if they were transparent.
The only way clothes would be "ironic" is if they were transparent.
I'm out with my kids and I am silently wishing this water that I'm drinking was rum. Just kidding, I don't drink. I wish it was heroin.
10
The dinner was fabulous and our guests were enjoying themselves, then I showed them I could lick my nipples.
When teleported don't ask 'Where are we?' because someone will always reply cryptically- "you mean... WHEN are we??"
(watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat."
Instead of tying knots, why don't we teach boy scouts something useful, like breakdancing or how to clean up after the strippers leave?
The insane scratching caused by my sunburn might make me look like I have scabies, but it guarantees me a seat on the train.
15
This workday felt like a dead person's hand on your penis. Initially overwhelming, but ultimately just something new to yell about.
2
This lady was all, "STOP PUNCHING MY BABY!" so I was all, [eyeroll] "Um, this isn't yours."
Pfft. Like I would punch some stranger's baby.
Pfft. Like I would punch some stranger's baby.
There is an open house tonight at little one's school, I'm wearing my Michael Jackson costume so they'll know I like kids.
Mom, if you're reading this, I'm at your house right now. Using your toothbrush and eating all the cheese.
9
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