@chucknoritz's (Chuck Noritz) recently faved Tweets...
Your path suggests the middle stall when all 3 are empty...
I was correct.
And apparently you don't wash your hands...
Asshole.
I was correct.
And apparently you don't wash your hands...
Asshole.
3
Staying late tonight.
New project.
Gotta glue shut the lids on all of the dry erase markers.
Fuck!
It's taking forever!
New project.
Gotta glue shut the lids on all of the dry erase markers.
Fuck!
It's taking forever!
4
In support of colorectal cancer awareness please update your status with the color of your shit.
Lima bean green.
Lima bean green.
7
Although he later lamented the lack of holiday joy, the little boy did tell Daddy about the time he saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
2
Using the purell dispenser on your way out is not an alternative to washing your hands you shit taking filthy fuck!
11
Takes a deep breath and thinks of pancakes.
This urinal is really confusing me.
Why does dried piss smell like maple syrup?
This urinal is really confusing me.
Why does dried piss smell like maple syrup?
3
I really really want a haircutting robot for Christmas so I don't have to sit in this chair and talk to you.
5
Christmas music.
I love the classic "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" along with the follow up smash hit "I saw daddy punching Santa Claus".
I love the classic "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" along with the follow up smash hit "I saw daddy punching Santa Claus".
6
Waiting in a line.
Old lady in front of me talking to someone out of the line, "I just tried calling you. Make sure your vibrator's not on."
Old lady in front of me talking to someone out of the line, "I just tried calling you. Make sure your vibrator's not on."
6
I just realized that the years of pity I've felt for the plight of the homeless is actually fear and anxiety over their existence.
3
Bruce woke up that morning with a feeling of hope.
Then he smelled burnt toast.
Fucking Alfred.
Your job is so simple.
Get it right.
Then he smelled burnt toast.
Fucking Alfred.
Your job is so simple.
Get it right.
4
Parson Brown was a notorious Colombian drug lord in the 1930s.
His nickname was the "Snow Man".
He was also an ordained minister.
His nickname was the "Snow Man".
He was also an ordained minister.
6
Brute force, ignorance and a smile.
That's how I usually deliver babies.
- Memoirs of a TV Drama Doctor
That's how I usually deliver babies.
- Memoirs of a TV Drama Doctor
2
Fucking shitty ass drivers.
It seems like some people barely know where they're going in their car let alone in their life.
It seems like some people barely know where they're going in their car let alone in their life.
6
By the time the villagers found me the monkeys had absconded into the jungle.
I could survive without clothes and food but the iPhone? Why?!
I could survive without clothes and food but the iPhone? Why?!
3
In light of this New Moon bullshit I must point out my crusade once more:
http://twitter.com/chucknoritz/status/3106366179
http://twitter.com/chucknoritz/status/3106366179
4
My taking a shit song had always been Push It by Salt-N-Pepa.
On advice from my GI doctor I changed to Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
On advice from my GI doctor I changed to Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
11
My plan was simple:
Hop the fence.
Grab the bananas.
Hop back over the fence.
I didn't account for the 500 lb gorilla and his evil bitch.
Hop the fence.
Grab the bananas.
Hop back over the fence.
I didn't account for the 500 lb gorilla and his evil bitch.
10
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