“If you start turning into a parking spot, then realize a motorcycle is already there, you can park over it.” ~Girls

Guy Fieri's hair is wanted for rape in 6 states.

Happy Mothers Day, single fathers.

This place is the mecca for only-child syndrome.

Damn girl are you a traffic sign because I ignored everything you just said.

Welcome to my twitter account. Where people come for that one time I posted a funny joke and then stay because they feel sorry for me.

He just wants you to think he’s creepy… don’t let him fool you. He’s a big teddy bear. A horny one, but a teddy bear.

i bought a computer solely so i could read about the 12 best autocorrect fails. now that i’m done i will take my computer back to costco

The Clapper but for conversations.

Listening is an art. Being heard is a miracle.

Wow I woke up to like 10 TOtD ! HAHAHA April Fools! Er....wait....

Cats hate being told about how much cuter they were as kittens.

I think people should just do whatever makes them happy & leave me the fuck alone.

I wish someone had told me that not everyone will like you.
And that's ok.
You won't like everyone.
And that's ok too Xxx

I didn't realize I was supposed to be pretending to be someone that I'm not on here. That sounds like a lot of work. Pass.

Google Fiber, a network 100x faster than normal, is now available in Olathe, Kansas. Because when you think technology, you think "Kansas".

And yet another update for iOS 6.
Since when did Adobe and Apple start dating?

I'm kind of just riding the coattails of my top tweets and hoping nobody notices.

There is nothing better than that amazing moment when you regain your self respect.

I thought bikers always wave when passing eachother on the road? I don't get why no one waves back. Almost makes me wanna return this moped!