Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but then again, I've never bludgeoned anyone with a bat before so I can't be sure.
Sure I use a pink toothbrush. My daughter wanted the green one out of the two pack. I'm a dad. It's what we do.
Twitter is just a really big short bus.
The crap I say on here doesn't go over nearly as well at family gatherings
This so called "classic" rock station keeps playing music from when I was in high school. Weird.
Odd numbers bother me. Except 75. 75 you're ok.
I wish there was more fucking in life, and less fucking over
Married sext: I just swept AND vacuumed
On twitter age has NOTHING to do with maturity
You mean you guys are real?
That fart just punched my ballsack
Everything I tweet is brilliant and makes perfect sense. In my head.
I just got a chubby watching my wife de-bone a chicken if you wonder what married life is like.
Just wait. One of these days I'm gonna tweet an 18 star tweet! Don't give up on me.
If I star you, you made me smile. A RT means I laughed and I want to share you.
I steal tweets from every single one of you to use everyday in RL
Today I jabbed one of my coworkers in the ribs as I walked by. He farted.
I have seizures if the volume is left on an odd number
Hit 600 followers and my first 50* tweet today. Nobody in RL understood. I love you guys.
We need to get a COUCH we can all sit on and eat at like a family -my wife