I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but then again, I've never bludgeoned anyone with a bat before so I can't be sure.

Twitter is just a really big short bus.

Sure I use a pink toothbrush. My daughter wanted the green one out of the two pack. I'm a dad. It's what we do.

The crap I say on here doesn't go over nearly as well at family gatherings

This so called "classic" rock station keeps playing music from when I was in high school. Weird.

Odd numbers bother me. Except 75. 75 you're ok.

I wish there was more fucking in life, and less fucking over

Married sext: I just swept AND vacuumed

You mean you guys are real?

On twitter age has NOTHING to do with maturity

That fart just punched my ballsack

Everything I tweet is brilliant and makes perfect sense. In my head.

I just got a chubby watching my wife de-bone a chicken if you wonder what married life is like.

Just wait. One of these days I'm gonna tweet an 18 star tweet! Don't give up on me.

If I star you, you made me smile. A RT means I laughed and I want to share you.

Today I jabbed one of my coworkers in the ribs as I walked by. He farted.

I steal tweets from every single one of you to use everyday in RL

I have seizures if the volume is left on an odd number

Hit 600 followers and my first 50* tweet today. Nobody in RL understood. I love you guys.

We need to get a COUCH we can all sit on and eat at like a family -my wife