Swalloween #PornHorrorMovies

But is Jesus on your car insurance plan, Carrie Underwood?

"But soft, what white through yonder condom break? 'Tis the meat and Juliet is the bun." #shakespeareporn

Don't know why I never took a close-up picture of my man boobs and sent it to all of my friends. Better late than never.

Stop using chopsticks. No one's watching; you're not impressing anyone. Here's a fucking fork.

Leaves are changing. Better go write a fucking poem.

To those who have wished me a happy birthday, I send you all my love. To those who haven't, I double dog dare you to go outside alone later.

@thenardvark Can't wait for the premiere of "Savior of Love."

This Christmas, please keep those teenage girls that get Escalades instead of BMWs in your hearts. #DoTheyKnowItsChristmas

We didn't get to see the beginning of that eagle-baby video where Gandalf is seen whispering to a butterfly. I call bullshit.

A ring. Some Hobbits. No tits. #6WordFilmPlots

OFFICIALLY got the place in Fort Wayne, so if you see a portly gentleman walking around town in a banana hammock, don't be afraid to say hi.

Don't quite know who @archerjaxan is, but if his real name is Jaxan Archer, then why the fuck isn't he famous yet?

@trevso_electric Update on Operation: Trance or House. Apparently, a new genre exists. (This is too fun.) pic.twitter.com/4G9UAlIaDL

I can hear the goddamn redneck hard-ons growing here in Hicksville after that fucking joke of a Senate decision.

@ceejoyner As long as it's consensual. No wine should become a grape statistic.

Somewhere in the Superdome, Dan Marino is in a harness and a tool belt fixing each individual bulb. #SuperBowl

Billy Dee Williams is an over-the-hill breakdancing instructor with his eye on the new girl in town (Roseanne Barr). #Movie43Plots

Michael Phelps will get wet. #OlympicPredictions

Just the Tip, Charlie Brown #LesserPeanuts