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Pro Tip: A 5-dollar bill on your table ensures a Waffle House waitress will ignore anything, including nudity and squirrels.
I want to have a party where everyone dances like the Peanuts gang in the Christmas special. How much LSD will I need for that?
Tonight Mom asked me to take her out for a drive. We went around stealing campaign signs to use for yard sale signs later. #truestory
The closer I am to being broke, the more lenient I become about expiration dates on food packaging.
I don't own a snowblower. I own a flamethrower. Same results, more terrified looks from the neighbors.
Note to hosts: if your toilet paper goes under the roll, I *will* fix it. You're welcome.
Pandora just Rickrolled me.
Wow, I got a 10-star tweet! Gonna celebrate by falling asleep in the bathtub.
Today I kept my blanket safe from blanket-thieves by pinning it under my body and making scary snorelike sounds to ward off intruders.
Signs I'll never grow up: the shelf over my desk holds Hot Wheels cars, a farting rubber chicken, and a mutilated Care Bear.
Ramen with jalapenos and Cheez Whiz seemed like a good idea at the time.
Swiping Burger King crown to entertain myself. YAY! CROWN! Okay, that was short-lived. Stupid crown.
I prefer coffee over water because it dissolves the pills faster.
Housecleaning gets better when you convince yourself that drinking the booze in the cabinet to make more room is a form of cleaning.
Note to self: don't listen to Motorhead while measuring ingredients. How many rails of flour equals a cup?
Driving to NYC tomorrow for 1st time. Practicing flipping people off today. Anything else I need to know?
Somewhere out there is a jelly donut with my name on it, and someone else is eating it. Because they can't fuckin' read.
Asked Mom what she wants me to bring her when we visit. She said "Deer weenies!" You SEE where I get it from?
Dear person whose cart I accidentally walked off with at the store: sorry about that. But snack cakes, hotdogs, and diet pills? Really?
We've got Waffle House and International House of Pancakes, but no House of Gravy. What is wrong with this country?