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Who has two thumbs and juggles kniv--uh...who has one thumb...

Michele Bachmann knows that slavery involved rich white people paying to feed and clothe poor black people, right?

Teaching my aunt how to use the computer is like teaching a fish how to ride a bike. With no handlebars. On a trampoline. In space. Stoned.

How to apply paint: a primer.

I'm at Toys R Us. If you don't hear from me again, I was probably eaten by the heteronormativity.

Having joined a number of Facebook groups, I really feel that I've done my part for Darfur.

My first thought after realizing I'd worn my panties inside out all day? "AWESOME, now I can wear them again!"

The most important thing today is that we put aside our partisan differences and vote for Obama.

Holy shit--"the glass is half empty" and "the glass is half full" are THE SAME THING.

What do you call a college course for a bunch of sperm? A semenar. (YES I THOUGHT OF THAT ALL BY MYSELF!!!)

I wonder how many of the people who want to see a gruesome picture all over the news also flip at the idea of two men kissing on network TV.

Me: No one likes a know-it-all. Avery: Yes they do. I know that.

My dentists sent me a Happy St. Patrick's Day email. My dentists, Doctors Levine, Lipnick, and Cohensteinberg.

You know, being smarter than the average bear doesn't actually make you all that smart. Average bears STICK THEIR PAWS IN BEEHIVES.

I'm so pretentious that on the train I hide The New Yorker inside Harper's.

In Barack Obama's socialist America, we'll all have the same icon, but @sween will also be forced to share his followers.

I feel twitty! Oh so twitty! I feel twitty and witty and gay! And I pi--Oh. Right. I am gay. That might be why.

If I have 20 socks and 19 are identical, what is the chance that I'll grab a matching pair? "Absolutely no fucking chance" is correct.

I dropped my dragon off at the vet and told him he is ABSOLUTELY NOT allowed to breathe fire, except on those fucking yappy dogs.