$1,248,123,904,749 spent, over 6000 soldiers dead and 180,000 killed so far to avenge the deaths of 2973 people. Trust me, we won't forget.

The sentence "I never said he licked my asshole" has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word.

Walking my dog is like flying a retarded kite.

Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car while she was out jogging. More proof that exercise is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

Too dumb for science? Try religion!

If your mind is so closed, why is your mouth so open?

When God closes a door, it's because Jesus left it open. He was born in a barn, you know.

I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, you love a boomerang.

Elizabeth Taylor was an actress, a philanthropist, a mother, a wife, a wife, a wife, a wife, a wife, a wife, and a wife.

Next up, North Carolina bans collecting interest for profit (Lev. 25:36/Deut. 23:19), eating shrimp (Lev. 11:12) and football (Lev. 11:7-8).

Marijuana is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to french fries and Frosties.

My obituary will read: He's now dead on the outside too.

What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.

Go for personality, guys. They'll all look like grandma some day.

People say that God works in mysterious ways. Yeah, well, so does a microwave, but you don't see me worshipping it.

Rhinos are old, fat, retired unicorns.

The more I get to know other people, the less I hate myself.

If men could get pregnant, you'd be able to get an abortion at 7-Eleven.

My outgoing voicemail message says "I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. Learn to text."