The sentence "I never said he licked my asshole" has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word.

$1,248,123,904,749 spent, over 6000 soldiers dead and 180,000 killed so far to avenge the deaths of 2973 people. Trust me, we won't forget.

It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.

Walking my dog is like flying a retarded kite.

Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car while she was out jogging. More proof that exercise is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.

Too dumb for science? Try religion!

New law: Churches that discriminate against race, gender or sexual orientation lose tax free status. Goodbye debt, hello surplus!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, you love a boomerang.

My obituary will read: He's now dead on the outside too.

Q: How many NRA spokesmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: More guns.

Don't die a virgin or you'll spend eternity fucking a terrorist.

If your mind is so closed, why is your mouth so open?

"Save yourselves." - Republican Jesus

I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

When God closes a door, it's because Jesus left it open. He was born in a barn, you know.

Elizabeth Taylor was an actress, a philanthropist, a mother, a wife, a wife, a wife, a wife, a wife, a wife, and a wife.

Marijuana is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to french fries and Frosties.

Next up, North Carolina bans collecting interest for profit (Lev. 25:36/Deut. 23:19), eating shrimp (Lev. 11:12) and football (Lev. 11:7-8).

What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.