My everything bagel came with a mortgage and three kids.

Hey Republicans, the bible isn’t supposed to be served à la carte.

I love all your tweets so much, I star them twice!

It scares the hell out of me to think that one day you people could decide my fate on a jury.

If only I could turn staying up late and eating microwave popcorn into a career.

So we’re all backing into parking spaces now?

Fashion tip: If your stomach is bigger than your boobs, avoid tight-fitting shirts.

“ .” - Mimes

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to no car insurance.

Nothing like a drum solo to remind me that life’s too short to be listening to drum solos.

1994 called. They want their mosh pit back.

Wait a minute…Chickens don’t have fingers…THEY’VE BEEN FEEDING US A LIE!

Angelina Jolie was able to salvage her nipples and I now officially know more about all this than I need to know.

Of all thing things I’ve lost, I miss my virginity the least.

If not for giving blumpkins, just what in the hell is a bathroom attendant for?!

“Ouch! Damn it! Another splinter!” - Pinocchio, masturbating

I try not to “engage” in anything. Sounds illegal.

Nothing terrifies me more than people that sit in their car driving around in silence.

“They’re still real and they’re spectacular.” - Jennifer Aniston to Brad Pitt

LOL at people trying to “get discovered” on Twitter.