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My everything bagel came with a mortgage and three kids.
Hey Republicans, the bible isn’t supposed to be served à la carte.
I love all your tweets so much, I star them twice!
It scares the hell out of me to think that one day you people could decide my fate on a jury.
If only I could turn staying up late and eating microwave popcorn into a career.
So we’re all backing into parking spaces now?
Fashion tip: If your stomach is bigger than your boobs, avoid tight-fitting shirts.
“ .” - Mimes
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to no car insurance.
Nothing like a drum solo to remind me that life’s too short to be listening to drum solos.
1994 called. They want their mosh pit back.
Wait a minute…Chickens don’t have fingers…THEY’VE BEEN FEEDING US A LIE!
Angelina Jolie was able to salvage her nipples and I now officially know more about all this than I need to know.
Of all thing things I’ve lost, I miss my virginity the least.
If not for giving blumpkins, just what in the hell is a bathroom attendant for?!
“Ouch! Damn it! Another splinter!” - Pinocchio, masturbating
I try not to “engage” in anything. Sounds illegal.
Nothing terrifies me more than people that sit in their car driving around in silence.
“They’re still real and they’re spectacular.” - Jennifer Aniston to Brad Pitt
LOL at people trying to “get discovered” on Twitter.
I'm all for saving the world, just not necessarily the people. Now available on http://Witstream.com!