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happy halloween! i dressed up as a disappointment to my parents. and yes, i nailed it.
i know aliens exist because i've been abducted. there's bright, flashing lights and a voice saying, "keep your hands where i can see them."
i can still remember what my high school girlfriend's hair smells like because her family never changed the locks on their house.
"if anyone asks, we're carpooling."
*mannequin stares back blankly*
"BECAUSE THEY WONT UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH! THATS WHY!"
if he were alive today, oscar wilde's tweeter feed would be 30% snarky quotes and 70% of what he and lady gaga were up to.
from this day to the end of days, milk shall now be known as cereal sauce.
women love a man in uniform but everyone at the hotel bar doesn't know what to think when i'm dressed like a pilot and yelling about ufos
an unexpected bonus to me being a failure is my mother questioning how effective her praying is
the lesser known 80's wrestler jigsaw jim dugan whose finishing move was hitting his opponent with a 1001 piece puzzle.
spaceballs® the tweet.
dance like you've never been hurt, love like you're on fire, work like there's nobody watching.
driving below the speed limit should be a pepper sprayable offence.
if having a fart that changes pitch counts, then yes, i am musically gifted.
dear cute bartender girl, please take care of your obvious mustache. sincerely, every guy you ever waited on.
i like to start my mornings with caffeine and nicotine and end my evenings with alcohol and alibis.
i wish life was like the movies. that way black people could shout advice at me like, "AW HELL NO! DON'T GO IN THERE! BITCH GOT HERPES!"
i'm sweating like a jew at the tip jar.
wannabe professional make believer
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