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i live in florida. when i walk down the sidewalk, tiny lizards scatter. i am reverse godzilla.
happy halloween! i dressed up as a disappointment to my parents. and yes, i nailed it.
i know aliens exist because i've been abducted. there's bright, flashing lights and a voice saying, "keep your hands where i can see them."
i can still remember what my high school girlfriend's hair smells like because her family never changed the locks on their house.
if he were alive today, oscar wilde's tweeter feed would be 30% snarky quotes and 70% of what he and lady gaga were up to.
from this day to the end of days, milk shall now be known as cereal sauce.
the lesser known 80's wrestler jigsaw jim dugan whose finishing move was hitting his opponent with a 1001 piece puzzle.
spaceballs® the tweet.
dance like you've never been hurt, love like you're on fire, work like there's nobody watching.
driving below the speed limit should be a pepper sprayable offence.
if having a fart that changes pitch counts, then yes, i am musically gifted.
dear cute bartender girl, please take care of your obvious mustache. sincerely, every guy you ever waited on.
i like to start my mornings with caffeine and nicotine and end my evenings with alcohol and alibis.
i wish life was like the movies. that way black people could shout advice at me like, "AW HELL NO! DON'T GO IN THERE! BITCH GOT HERPES!"
i'm sweating like a jew at the tip jar.
the definition of "class" is backing your car into a parking space at a strip club.
my grandfather would say "the french fight with their feet." i just figured out he meant they run away. nice burn, pops.
it's like, seriously? how hard is it to not know the difference between thare, thayr'r'e and ыплиэтоекли?
3 step home made blue cheese dressing:
1. let expired mayonnaise sit out for 6-8 days.
3. contact a poison control center.
what an idiot. i meant to text my friend but ended up stripping naked and getting all bipolar in the mcdonald's playplace.