I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order.
Like they should be.

Left lane - serious drivers.
Right lane - texters.

Twitter invented the sit down comedian.

Why did 7 ate 9? Math Salts. 

Dub step sounds like Helen Keller having sex with Stephen Hawking to the sound of dial up Internet.

I'm not very good at writing in cursive..but I sure as fuck can speak it.

"Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever." - God when he made scorpions

Dijon Vu -- really familiar mustard

If I had a dime for every time I've lost my lighter...we'd all be baked.  

Bromine(Br) is the most "douchey" of all the halogens.

TEIAM -- problem solved

Every time I get unfollowed...I spit in a water fountain.

My pencil is an eracist.

Couldn't wait for my birthday on Wednesday...so I did like I do every year, I rubbed emu urine all over my body and then puked on the bed.

Hey white girls, good job RTing those backwards hat guys' that only tweet shit like, "#respect her, she beautiful"

"Chevy Chase" is almost a full sentence.

Stretch marks are fine by me. It's like there is a prettier person inside trying to burst out at the seems.

Did that Taco Bell drive through kid say sorry about the "wait" or "weight" ???

Anybody know how to get a hot dog out of a Gatorade bottle? Without like, breaking the hot dog or what ever?

Co worker beat me at Words With Freinds, so I had Words With Cops and she's now arrested for possession.