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Walking a bomb-sniffing dog must take forever because you would probably always want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
If you pointed out "mother-in-law" was an anagram of "woman hitler" before 1930, people would be like, what the hell are you talking about?
Ladies, unfortunately there is NOT a party in my pants to which you are invited. There is however an academic symposium you could check out.
Digging up someone from the grave to gaze into their eyes one last time was the Victorian version of browsing all of someone's Facebook pics
"Muahaha yes, feed me more, MORE 9/11 Retrospectives! All week! So delicious! Yeeesss!" -- a monster who only eats 9/11 Retrospectives
Must be pretty embarrassing for Britain to have run the world at one point and now have to put ".co.uk" at the end of all their websites.
"This is the laziest, most entitled generation ever," says the generation that prints out all their emails.
Im sure at least one scientist using a laptop has been on the verge of a major breakthrough but then was like "oo I should make a playlist."
When politicians slobber all over small businesses they know 98% are scented candle and soap shops called "Enchantments by Melissa," right?
I got all my sex ed from a book of Greek myths. Now whenever a girl invites me to her place I take the form of a swan & shower her with gold
We should go full-on Panem-style on Ohio, start calling it District 7, and make its only industry choosing the President.
Oh my God. Dante's Inferno is fan fiction.
Google+ is really fulfilling my post-apocalyptic terror dream in which I have to start all over with only 8 friends.
Have you ever noticed that we DRIVE on PARKways and PARK on DRIVEways and spend our short lives being inexplicably cruel to one another?
Fuck domesticity. The only thing a woman should be doing near an oven is sticking her head in it because she's burdened by her own genius.
Everyone you meet today might suddenly void the social contract without warning. Then you're both supposed to laugh about it.
As I understand history, college in colonial times was basically you in a room with a bible. Then suddenly you were a lawyer.
Ugh, people are always on their phones! It's as if all knowledge and instant contact with anyone in the world is more interesting than ME!
If you die in an improv scene, you die in real life.
The mating call of the white 20-something is the ukulele riff that plays when an Arrested Development episode cuts to commercial.
Improviser, Writer, Working Actively to Increase Diversity Among Board Members.