An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. I don't even know why you'd put any eggs in a basket. Put them in the fridge.

Dogs are better than people. People are cunts.

It's fun to text someone and say you're scared of the taxi driver and then not text again for hours so they think you've been murdered.

When I say I didn't get your text or I forgot to reply....I'm lying.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels...I beg to differ. Wine and cheese people, wine and cheese.

Also, Americans there is a u in colourful and favourite.

I wish I had soul, not a soul. Just soul.

You know I'm actually quite content when my tweets get just one star. I don't like the rest of you guys anyway, jerks.

Just in case anyone is wondering where I get my bad language from...My Dad just referred to our neighbours as a shower of cunts.

Without sounding like a soppyy douche lord...Boys, calling a girl beautiful is a gazillion times better than calling her hot or sexy!!!

Bono is such a douche lord.

Do you like dragons?

Because I'll be dragon my balls across your face later.

Naps are not just for babies and old people. They are also for 24 year olds.

I don't know when to use commas,

Dancing around the kitchen, because I can.

I've been trying to write a tweet for 40 minutes and this is the best I can come up with. Fuck you.

I thrusted you, I mean trusted, I trusted you.

Anyone know how to get rid of the feeling of 40 tonnes of bricks hanging off your heart? Valium maybe.