I bet blind people don't skydive because it would scare the shit out of their dog.

I've had so many partners, I could start a law firm.

I replaced the battery in my vibrator and now my car won't start.

Opinions are like threesomes. Married men would like to have them...but they aren't allowed to.

I think someone put a roofie in my drink last night. Which is great because I did everything that I was gonna do, except without the guilt.

My friends 5 year old son said I was stupid because I don't have a penis, so I got my dildo from my bedroom and he shut the fuck up.

Isn't it weird how the things we hated as kids, we now love as adults? You know, like naps, seafood and spankings?

I like my lovemaking so rough that it borders domestic violence.

If I had a dollar for every time I masturbated today, I'd have 11 dollars.

My dad just bought me a super expensive car. It cost him about 25 years of child neglect.

Nothing says "marry me or your life might be in danger" like a hot air balloon proposal.

A friend of mine asked me out and I had to say, " let's just be friends" which was hard because I don't even want to be friends.

Hey guys, the next time your girlfriend bitches about you not treating her like you treat your guy friends...teabag her.

Don't you hate it when you're trying to sleep and you can't get comfortable no matter what, and you realize you're laying on a curb?

Do Australian strippers spin around the pole counter clockwise?

Just because I was a tomboy doesn't mean I didn't play with barbie. I would string her up to a willow tree and blast her with my BB gun.

I go to the First United Church of I Don't Give a Fuck What The Bible Says So Please Stop Pushing Your Religion On Me.

There's no way that a unicorn is a made up creature, because my phone's auto correct totally recognized it.

When it comes to picking out sex toys, I'm extremely anal.

Girlfriends are like cars. I don't have one, but sometime I'll drop my friend off at work and use hers for the rest of the day.