I bet George Lucas' kids are just baffled when they put on old family videos and there is suddenly a CGI pony going wild in the background

I can't get enough of this Rorschach guy, his paintings of butchered prostitutes are amazing

I'm creepily aware that I've got a skeleton hiding inside my body, just waiting for me to die.

Home is a nightmare at the moment. So many temper tantrums, crying fits and crayon scrawls on the walls. I hate living alone.

Hugs AND drugs you goddamn idiot.

Sometimes I eat sandwiches so enthusiastically it looks like I'm doing a harmonica solo

I just can't believe they gave a polar bear that job in the first place http://twitpic.com/5xl3og

Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the idiots I went to school with have morphed into a car

Whenever a same-sex couple is denied the right to marriage a bald eagle forgets 9/11.

"Timmy?"
"Here, miss"
"Sally?"
"Present, miss"
"Ben?"
"Here, miss"
"Arachnotron?"
"ARACHNOTRON IS PRESENT."

PROTIP: Put glitter in the cat food. Magic poos! Such fun!

Stop sharing George Takei's photos on Facebook.

How many seconds do I have to wait between arriving at your house for Christmas and asking for the Wifi password?

I wish I was Spiderman but bitten by an insect with a massive cock

Every joke has the same basic structure: 1. Force the reader make assumptions 2. Smash those assumptions with my 14 inch cock

~~~~|\~~~lol~~~ |-o-| (tweets for the illiterate. This is a shark attacking a drowning man while a Star Wars tie fighter looks on)

Here's a prank! Let's paint the numbers 1, 2 and 4 on three pigs and release them at work. Then in the chaos, stab the secretary to death

I am adding 'Sent from my iPhone' to my webmail signature so I don't feel obliged to make an effort with my grammar and spelling

I like to think of Pac-man as a metaphor. A man, pursued by ghosts from his past, is reliant on pills to function. Also, he likes fruit.

Don't you hate it when you wake up and go to work then go home and back to sleep and repeat that for years then die?