Vitamin C is spanish for Vitamin Yes.

Life is like Friends and you're the weird naked guy.

I softly whisper swagswagswagswag as I caress your breasts.

@bessyvegas when cops ask me to say the alphabet backwards I tell them that I can't even do that when I'm sober

I like fruity menthos because I'm 8 years old.

I still don't see how Johnny Depp is attractive.

I want to be adopted by Jeff Mangum and the Potatohead Lady.

@evieehutcheson dem ratchet hoes

I was invited to a Facebook event titled "Party", I don't need your social insurance number but some level of detail would be appreciated.

Being told that you look like someone from Game of Thrones is pretty fucking rad, just saying.

I have a PhD in frowning. Wrote my dissertation on being disappointed in things.

My logic professor in a class full of mostly international students: I'm not sure you all understand English grammar that well.

Who the fuck actually buys those Kidz Bop CDs? I mean someone must be since they've released 23 generations of them.

Why do people give me weird looks whenever I sing negro spirituals on public transportation?

Am I the only one that thinks bowties are spiffy in a non-ironic way?

No mom, Jack Kerouac isn't a fictional character, in fact I'm gonna go hang out with him and Bill Burroughs tonight just to prove you wrong.

John Frusciante is like the only person who I would wish happy birthday to on twitter, happy birthday Frusciante.

I still don't see how being tan is attractive, give me all the pretty porcelain skin girls.

T-Pain may not be the hero we want but he is the hero we need.

Wait a minute, you're telling me that the people who wear A&F clothing aren't ugly?