CNN reporting deadly Egyptian cobra missing from Bronx zoo. HIDE YO' KIDS, HIDE YO' WIFE.

Christina Aguliera says Tony Lucca's song was derogatory towards women, yet she sits there showing everything but her nipples.

Leslie Nielsen is dead and Justin Bieber is starring in a movie. Those fucking Mayans were right. The end of the world IS here.

So much sex to be had, so few willing participants.

I'm gonna do soooo many unspeakable things with my A/C tonight. You may want to look away.

I'm so tired of people trying to use the Internet to grow their businesses. The Internet is for porn and cat videos only.

These actors need to hit the gym. They're all out of breath from walking 10 feet and up four steps. #oscars2013

It's weird to see Russian trending.. Медведев и Путин and Слава России. Sad too.

Erections in the workplace. Friend or foe? Let's discuss... I've got a few minutes before I can get up anyways.

Kristen Stewart rocking the Just Been Fucked hair.

If #isaac has done one thing, it's made us ALL look like the people of Walmart.

Someone tell Ali Velshi that the rest of the street behind him is not flooded and that he doesn't have to stand in the water.

As if this day couldn't get any more fucked up, I just found two feathers on the floor in the men's bathroom. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

Putting Winehouse in the same category as Joplin/Cobain/Morrison/Hendrix is like putting Milwaukee's Beast next to any other beer.

Al Gore saw his shadow today. This means 12 more years of global warming.

If I were a plumber, I'd start a business called ZOMBIE PLUMBING. My slogan would be "DDDRRRAAAAAIIINNNNSSSS!!!"

Does EVERY VW Beetle come with that fucking flower on the dash or do you have to pay extra to be an asshole?

Jim Lehrer is about 20 seconds from asking for his stapler.

Time to fire a government.

Everytime Casey Anthony rolls her eyes, the temperature in her future chamber in hell gets 1000 degrees hotter.