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Today Bill Murray poked his head out of a hole in the ground and saw Dan Ackroyd thrusting another copy of the Ghostbusters 3 script at him.
Music Industry on Piracy: "Bad, morally wrong!" Music Industry on Domestic Abuse: "Meh, he's still a great singer." #ChrisBrown
To those complaining about "Rue" being black in the Hunger Games movie: She's black in the book. Also, you're racist.
"So You Think You Can Perform Open Heart Surgery" would make the best reality show ever.
Marajuana is legalized at the same time as Twinkies become extinct? Good one, God.
“Censorship is telling a man he can’t have steak just because a baby can’t chew it.” – Mark Twain.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll say, "Holy shit. Fishing is BORING! Fuck fishing."
Saying, “I’m really big on twitter” is like saying, “I have really long pubic hair.” Impressive, yes, but it won’t get you a date.
When I’m down, I ask myself, “What would Batman do?” Apparently Batman would eat a bag of Mint Oreos and cry on the toilet for a while.
Congratulations Whitney Houston! 8 weeks sober today!
I choose to become a writer because I’m allergic to high self-esteem, success and money.
I call ferrets "snake dogs." I should be in charge of naming things.
I am simply astounded by how many funny women there are on twitter. Mainly because I want to know, "are we letting women use computers now?"
"I think birth control pills should be for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest." ~ Alexis Monson
Every time I try to get something done the Internet's all like, "Hey! Boobs! Jokes! Things that make you angry!"
Writer of #humor at @Cracked, @mental_floss, @goodmenproject. I've seen you naked. Also, I Enjoy buildings & food