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Today Bill Murray poked his head out of a hole in the ground and saw Dan Ackroyd thrusting another copy of the Ghostbusters 3 script at him.
Music Industry on Piracy: "Bad, morally wrong!" Music Industry on Domestic Abuse: "Meh, he's still a great singer." #ChrisBrown
To those complaining about "Rue" being black in the Hunger Games movie: She's black in the book. Also, you're racist.
"So You Think You Can Perform Open Heart Surgery" would make the best reality show ever.
Marajuana is legalized at the same time as Twinkies become extinct? Good one, God.
“Censorship is telling a man he can’t have steak just because a baby can’t chew it.” – Mark Twain.
Saying, “I’m really big on twitter” is like saying, “I have really long pubic hair.” Impressive, yes, but it won’t get you a date.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll say, "Holy shit. Fishing is BORING! Fuck fishing."
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
When I’m down, I ask myself, “What would Batman do?” Apparently Batman would eat a bag of Mint Oreos and cry on the toilet for a while.
Congratulations Whitney Houston! 8 weeks sober today!
I choose to become a writer because I’m allergic to high self-esteem, success and money.
I call ferrets "snake dogs." I should be in charge of naming things.
Writer of #humor at @Cracked, @Mental_Floss, @TheAtlantic, etc. Let's not make this weird. I enjoy buildings & food.