Its not even 8 in the morning and society has already disappointed me today. That calls for shots right?

THIS MORNING IS ALREADY SO EMOTIONAL. SO MANY FEELS! SO MANY!

"You know your cousin Rachel? She's married to a black guy." -Why I can't take my Granny anywhere

I AM AT THE MOTHAFUCKING PANCAKE PANTRY TO HAVE MOTHAUCKING PANCAKES

When people haven't been together a month and they are talking about marriage *loads gun*

Starting to watch Star Trek may or may not have been the best life decision I've ever made. Yes, that really is as sad as it sounds.

My sisters best friend just came over who's dad is the pastor of a mega church. I need to leave before I cuss or start drinking.

Is there any reason NOT to be in love with Quenton Tarantino?

Ok, there is semen coming out of the penis cake.

@cool_jesse just retweeted me, this calls for a celebration! Now I have a legitimate reason to have all this rum in my coffee.

Tuesdays call for rum in your coffee.

"Oh that's eatable stuff!" -My granny is obviously from the south

@cool_jesse Just started following me, you may all bow down to his hilarious tweets and beard of the gods #worshiphisbeard #noreally

Only time I have a moment to myself at work is in the bathroom. Please don't try to talk to me about a pending admission from the next stall

If I don't kill someone today I should be considered for sainthood. I mean, if the shoe fits

There is absolutely no good reason for the liquor store to be closed on Sundays. NO. GOOD. REASON.

Reading with my toes in the water and ass in the sand. Its amazing I can actually finish a book when I have time to myself. Incredible.

I may be the only person in my office who loves Careplan meetings

Before leaving for the pool my mother made it very clear she was vacuuming the house first. People wonder how I was diagnosed with OCD?

Elderly lady in a convertible beside me has a liscence plate that says "TOPLESS". I can't even compete with that, she's a badass.