Marky Mark couldn't even stop 311.

22 Girls, 1 Cup.

Noticed the Obama "HOPE" stickers on the Priuses in Whole Foods' parking lot have faded just the perfect amount to complete the metaphor.

If one of Tim Tebow's tears hits the ground, a puppy appears.

"Want to win back your ex? Burn down her house." - Republican relationship advice

Guns don't kill people, lightning kills people. However since lunatics can't use lightning to shoot up a mall...

Hey 1998, can we have chunky Christina Ricci back?

Zooey Deschanel is to Winona Ryder what Nickelback is to Nirvana.

RIP Joe Piscapo :(

What I need is a trophy wife. You know, about 6 inches tall, gold-plated, holding a tiny softball bat.

Great, now every chair in the house won't shut the hell up.

iPhone just auto-corrected "fat" to "gay." Yeah, like I'd really want a big GAY cock in my mouth.

I brew my own Zima.

The beauty of 4/20 is you don't even need take a day off work to celebrate, because if you celebrate 4/20 you likely don't have a job.

The likelihood of a sexual assault increases 30% every time Sweet Home Alabama plays on a jukebox.

Butter is probably my favorite anal lubricant to put on English muffins.

RIP Teri Hatcher :(

Did you know "Afternoon Delight" is about day-banging? Did you know "Night Moves" is about sleep-shitting?

Hey Joe, you're awfully chatty for someone wanted for first degree murder ("Hey Joe" - lost verse).

Hey Brad Pitt, why buy the anorexic skeleton-cow when you get the batshit crazy baby-hoarder milk for free?