Marky Mark couldn't even stop 311.

What I need is a trophy wife. You know, about 6 inches tall, gold-plated, holding a tiny softball bat.

22 Girls, 1 Cup.

iPhone just auto-corrected "fat" to "gay." Yeah, like I'd really want a big GAY cock in my mouth.

Hey 1998, can we have chunky Christina Ricci back?

"Want to win back your ex? Burn down her house." - Republican relationship advice

Noticed the Obama "HOPE" stickers on the Priuses in Whole Foods' parking lot have faded just the perfect amount to complete the metaphor.

The beauty of 4/20 is you don't even need take a day off work to celebrate, because if you celebrate 4/20 you likely don't have a job.

Butter is probably my favorite anal lubricant to put on English muffins.

RIP Teri Hatcher :(

Great, now every chair in the house won't shut the hell up.

If one of Tim Tebow's tears hits the ground, a puppy appears.

I brew my own Zima.

Hey Joe, you're awfully chatty for someone wanted for first degree murder ("Hey Joe" - lost verse).

Hey Brad Pitt, why buy the anorexic skeleton-cow when you get the batshit crazy baby-hoarder milk for free?

Did you know "Afternoon Delight" is about day-banging? Did you know "Night Moves" is about sleep-shitting?

If you're against gun control AND affordable health care, you're not a conservative; you're an exterminator.

Okay, who's the wiseguy who stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on the Planned Parenthood dumpster?

Told my girlfriend I want to bang her wearing a pair of thigh high fishnets. Kind of embarrassing when we both showed up wearing fishnets.

Guns don't kill people, lightning kills people. However since lunatics can't use lightning to shoot up a mall...