Sometimes I chalk outline my wife when she sleeps just to see.

My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

This is the second time I hired an escort service and my wife shows up.

I bet Heimlich never thought his sex move would save lives.

10,000 Tweets ago my kids loved me.

Cell phone commercials should be people taking shits and tweeting.

If you're a man and don't play any sports at all. You better be able to eat the fuck out of some pussy.

Don't worry, in my mind I'm RT'ing and starring all your shit.

I'm glad burritos aren't named cocks because I'm a burrito eating son of a bitch.

Don't let your wife order pizza and have it delivered when you're not home because that's how fucking pornos start.

Don't you hate when you pick a booger and flick it, and it sticks to the other finger. What the fuck is in that shit.

My nuts are the mayor of your mom's face on four square.

Whoever named it, Rubbing Alcohol, is an asshole. I've been rubbing this shit all over myself for an hour and I still can't get drunk.

A baseball bat to the head should fix any yolo infestation.

I hate people who don't catch fire from my dirty looks.

You down with OCD, yeah you know me. You down with OCD, yeah you know me. You down with OCD, yeah you know me. You down with OCD, yeah you k

Nothing will sober you up faster than getting a phone call from your kids school.

Shit really does even out if you think about it. Mexicans get arrested, white people get eaten by sharks.

Hey caucasians driving a Volvo station wagon. Don't stare too long at a Mexican in a mini van. We hate you.

That's the second time you took a shot at my old age asshole, I don't remember the first one but fuck you.