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Trying to convince Americans "Cookie Monster" is known in the UK as "Biscuit Abomination".
Give a man a fish. Repeatedly. Without him knowing. Fill his pockets with sprats. Load his briefcase full of skate. Hide whelks in his shed
Worrying thought that a dead pig got an equal amount of sex as I did at university.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Everyone's best friend should be the 1974 David Bowie album "Diamond Dogs"
I tried to care who Azalea Banks is and so I googled her. She has less charting rap singles than John Barnes. That's my new benchmark.
A horse runs into a bar.
The bar falls down
He picks up two penalty points
This tweet is not a joke, more an explanation of showjumping.
Like all comedians, I plan ahead writing jokes for when celebrities die, for those sweet retweets.
Like Uncle Ben.
"No More, Mr Rice Guy"
Facebook are offering a free service today where you can awkwardly find out which of your acquaintances have dead dads or ones who ran off.
When CM Punk retires from wrestling, I hope he is replaced by a moodier, more angular wrestler with a synthesizer called CM Post-punk
Just learnt that "going hard in the paint" is a term from basketball. Anyway, I'm banned from B&Q
Comedian: bringing to Edfringe: All the Jokes in the bible and @helltoplay666. Cartoonist: @fringepig. The bad boy of 3 panel comic books. Buy them!
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