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Trying to convince Americans "Cookie Monster" is known in the UK as "Biscuit Abomination".
Worrying thought that a dead pig got an equal amount of sex as I did at university.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Everyone's best friend should be the 1974 David Bowie album "Diamond Dogs"
A horse runs into a bar.
The bar falls down
He picks up two penalty points
This tweet is not a joke, more an explanation of showjumping.
Facebook are offering a free service today where you can awkwardly find out which of your acquaintances have dead dads or ones who ran off.
Give a man a fish. Repeatedly. Without him knowing. Fill his pockets with sprats. Load his briefcase full of skate. Hide whelks in his shed
If a restaurant serves you food on a slate or a wooden board, pay your bill with iron ingots and offers to shear their sheep.
Took the "Which Disney Princess are you?" quiz, and got "human adult man who needs to stop wasting his life".
I thought I was Belle.
Just learnt that "going hard in the paint" is a term from basketball. Anyway, I'm banned from B&Q
Soup: because eating 8 pieces of bread and butter on their own is frowned on.
Cocky stride, musky odours. I used to do comedy and I might do again. Currently travelling South America like a complete douche. Buy my comics, please
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