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Trying to convince Americans "Cookie Monster" is known in the UK as "Biscuit Abomination".
Worrying thought that a dead pig got an equal amount of sex as I did at university.
A horse runs into a bar.
The bar falls down
He picks up two penalty points
This tweet is not a joke, more an explanation of showjumping.
Facebook are offering a free service today where you can awkwardly find out which of your acquaintances have dead dads or ones who ran off.
Took the "Which Disney Princess are you?" quiz, and got "human adult man who needs to stop wasting his life".
I thought I was Belle.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Everyone's best friend should be the 1974 David Bowie album "Diamond Dogs"
Just learnt that "going hard in the paint" is a term from basketball. Anyway, I'm banned from B&Q
Soup: because eating 8 pieces of bread and butter on their own is frowned on.
My password is strong, but it's also not afraid of showing vulnerability
Prince Harry wants to bring back the tradition of national service. I want to bring back the tradition of overthrowing unelected parasites
The UK's 4th best comedian-cartoonist and the Willy Wonka of gin at @fruitbooze. I appear as myself in someone's novel. Buy my books, please
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