Happy birthday, Christopher Nolan. May all your mementos be memorable, magicians have prestige, dreams have tops, and men be bats.

All car alarms should have timers. It's been five minutes, NOBODY IS ACTUALLY STEALING YOU, PARANOID CAR.

Daniel Tosh hasn't been funny since 2003. Just so we're clear.

Remember Jungle 2 Jungle? Oh, the 90s. We watched anything.

Sometimes I wish I knew Norwegian. Or how to walk in heels.

It's hard dreaming about being in love. When I wake up, they leave me for other slumbering girls.

@visorio He's all, "DOES ANYONE REALLY LOVE ME?" and I'm like, 'PUNCH A MOTHERFUCKER OUT, SUPERMAN! GO SEE DR. PHIL LATER!"

I am giddy right now with free Starbucks (I love you, barista girl) and memories of drunken piano singalongs past.

September I'll remember, a love once new has now grown old.

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o32/clemsblueruins/Snapshot_20100717.jpg

[all wearing sunglasses, mine big and red.] Colleen: "You're like the misfit Reservoir Dog. 'Can I go to the murder? I'll be real quiet!'"

Pixar achieves something so pure and quite rare: the boldness to take you on an adventure, and the heart to make you care where it ends.

You should #getouttherelationship if your physics professor wants to go sailing. #RelationShip #LikeaRelativityShip

I wish I could see @ohsoscarlet, but she's Oh So Far Away.

Eddo Cat 1996 - 2010

I guess I didn't need to tell my banker I was going to Iron Man 2 tonight. Or the lady at T-Spoons. Or that child with the GameBoy. #yesidid

THIS IS MY 4,000TH TWEET. REVERE ME, FEAR ME, ETC.

Jei, Jei, please don't go! I'll eat you up, I love you so.

We didn't intend to go out drinking. But the coffee shop was closed and we're writers, what the hell else were we going to do?

Apparently she was always a robot. #sixwordstories