Stop adding 'asking for a friend'. We all know the reason you're asking is you're stuck under the bed with three dogs and no peanut butter.

Hey. Any of you guys remember when nobody thought I was funny?

Yeah, that was about a month ago.

The other day I referred to YouTube as 'the YouTube'. I felt myself instantly age forty years.

I don't even give people a warning before unfollowing. I just push the button and imagine their house being leveled by an elephant stampede.

Your therapist blows you off two days in a row. How does this make you feel?

My favorite thing to do when I wake up every morning is read and delete four hundred twitter texts. Then I go cry about my lack of friends.

I seriously need to kick this pants habit. The shoe one too, if possible.

I wonder if it's ever awkward asking black people for black pens.

How many times do I have to say I love some of the people on Twitter? Somebody organize an anal orgy.

I think the universal language should be gibberish, because that's what everybody speaks these days.

The last ten times my alarm clock went off I thought about actually getting up. Instead, I decided to work on my clock-kicking technique.

Sneak attacks from the back have finally convinced me that no, bigger is not always better.

Hey Klondike, a better question is: What would I do to wake up to find a sexy horny guy in my bedroom?

I don't get stars for the things I say outside the internet, so usually I just keep my mouth shut and write things down to tweet later.

I regard the men watching me sunbathe topless on my back porch as an abstract, non-verbal compliment.

I don't know why those stupid companies even try to make waffles anymore. Nothing beats a Chocolate Chip Eggo. #BreakfastOfChampions

Everybody just stop looking for Waldo. I'm sure he has a reason for hiding, like murder or treason or the secret recipe to Twinkies.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, caught pepper-disease, and died. Poor fuck.

All I really want out of life is a guy that can wink at me without looking like a leery motherfucker.

Oh my God, you guys think I'm funny!

Or you're just pity-starring me because I'm not bold enough to show boobs in my profile pic.