I don't even know why I bother wearing lipstick to work. It just ends up all over my coffee cup and gun barrel by lunch time.

Ladies, I know you want to make it special tonight but be careful, glitter is really hard to get out of your vagina.

Just read the iTunes license agreement. There's a recipe for blueberry muffins on the last page.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

My mouth tastes like poor choices.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

If there were no bad parents there would be no good strip clubs.

Want something to go in the complete opposite direction? Tell a woman to calm down.

I realize it's pointless to ask my dogs which one of them farted but if I don't ask they might think it was me.

Its too expensive to put up Christmas lights these days. I'm just going to hire a bunch of Mexicans to sit on my roof with flashlights.

My couch has gotten so much ass today.

I want to be an Olsen twin when I throw up.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

At this point I'm just voting for Obama because I know how bad moving sucks.

There's a guy in between a McDonalds and Wendy's holding a "STOP THE WAR" sign. I didn't know things had gotten that bad between them.

No thanks CVS, I don't need a bag. I'll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

I just found out Stephen Hawking is British. Weird, I never even noticed an accent.

Unless Farmville is going to teach me how to grow pot without getting caught I'm not interrested.

When guys stare at me while I'm at a red light I draw a little heart on the window and then mouth "we're going to be together forever".

I'm growing marijuana on all my friend's abandoned Farmville accounts.