A new study suggests that we're totally fucked.

I'm not gay, I just like cats.

And stuff in my butt.

"Sorry, kid, I really let ya down." ~ Me to old photographs of me

Just messed with some free weights for about 10 minutes if anyone needs a pickle jar opened or someth - Oh, no, that's on there pretty good.

Another oil spill. You never hear about a solar panel spill or wind farm spill. Stupid hippie renewable energy witchcraft socialist nature.

I think my weed would last a lot longer if I wasn't setting it on fire all the damn time.

Only when your payment is past due will a corporation allow you to speak with someone whose native tongue is English.

I'm like a rope swing with a fat kid on it... About to snap.

I was all "damn, I got a bunch of stars" but I was on someone else's profile.

People, stop tweeting about your children!


I said they're fine... just wire me the money and this will all be over.

I like a woman who has a little meat on my bone.

In order to truly enjoy a bologna sandwich you must be six or drunk. Best to not be both.

If you're against same sex marriage, it's probably because you have a lame sex marriage. Or are just old and need to die already.

If today's famous comedians and actors were replaced with you people, there might actually be some funny shit on television for a change.

In high school I was voted "who the fuck are you?".

How about a nice big bowl of mind your own business sprinkled with some fresh shut the fuck up berries?

I run background checks on & demand drug tests for all my followers. I don't want any normal, well-adjusted people clogging up my timeline.

I want to put things inside of you. Mainly bullets.

You're a little bit country and I'm a little bit music that doesn't suck.

I'm just her booty call. Minus the booty. Oh, and she never calls.