Words with Friends should be called 41 Days of Scrabble...

Money can't buy happiness? Well it can buy a jet-ski. Ever see a sad face on a jet-ski? Fuck you rich sad guy I don't want to hear your lies

My 2 year old can pick the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms with the speed and dexterity of a Chinese sweat shop sewing machine operator..

No, I'm not 'pussy whipped'. Maybe, 'vaginally inclined to make her day easier' could be implied but no, not the other one.

It's funny how a simple, little, well aimed flick of a booger can balance the scales of justice for me.. Enjoy your salad asshole..

If u typ ur txt msgs lik ths whn u txt my phn we cn nvr b frnds and I ht ur fce

My 14y/o called the bus driver out for wearing pajamas to work. I had a 10min talk explaining "Walmart tuxedo" to the principle.. I love her

This new girl at the pharmacy pays way too much attention. Yes, a green crayon is all the Dr. had, nosy snatch kisser, just fill it...

Do women that shave off their eyebrows have an emotional stencil they use? Surprise, joy, confusion, disdain, anger, seductive, gangster..

I am a black belt in "dressing an uncooperative two year old" ninjutsu.

Remember when your parents replaced all your bath toys with a toaster and a iron? No? Just me?

"Does a wooden horse have a hickory dick?" -My uncle, anytime you ask him if he wants a beer, donut, or toke..

If your going to scream like a girl every time a burning tire gets rolled into your garage it's never going to "get old" to us new neighbor.

"I put the 'the' in psychotherapist"

It is weird that roadkill is on your porch. If I had to guess I'd say that says "don't start your fucking weedeater before 8 on Saturdays!"

I could tell right away, with all those teeth in your mouth, you were not from around here.

My 2 y/o son just dipped his Bacon straight in the peanut butter jar. Love that boy!

If any of you run into my grandma today be sure and say you saw me at church this morning and I looked "Surprisingly Sober" I owe you one..

I just Dirt Deviled a Smart car outta the grill guard of my truck, how cute is that?

"Craaaaaanes"- zombie ornithologist