Today a billion people update their iPhones to #ios5, tomorrow a billion people oversleep as the alarm functionality fails.

OH MY GOD I'VE JUST BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE CAPS.

Thought this Tom Daley thing might have been a bit of overkill, but then started looking at @_ollyriley account - Carry on, coppers.

One of my favorite games on the phone is to say 'die' instead of 'bye'. Leaves people feeling unsettled and vaguely threatened. I like that.

Just once, I'd love to see an American movie about a family that buy an appropriately sized, appropriately tempered dog. That doesn't talk.

Knut the polar bear unexpectedly drops dead at Berlin Zoo today. No apparent cause of death other than that SUPER FUCKING MOON obviously.

Mother "You'll never guess who I saw in church this morning?.." Me - "Jesus?".

10 more followers until I have 10 more followers than I did 10 followers ago. Can't fucking wait.

Pro tip: when getting photos developed of a friends child, don't tell the nice girl behind the counter "That's not my child, by the way".

It's not that I don't like you. It's just. Fuck it. No. It IS that.

People spend so much time trying to gain the upper hand and be in control, they completely ruin whats right there in front of them. Ah well.

My publisher has suggested I write what I know. So here goes:

Vodka from the freezer. It's the only way, children.

Can't wait for the HiggsBoson movie where Pete #Higgs is played by Will Smith and they find it on Independence Day and everyone is American.

There's a man here fixing my boiler. This is how porn gets started.

My life is absolutely fucking amazing* *not based on actual events.

RT @breakingnews Paul Gascoigne just boarded flight bound for Toulouse.

Hey. You. Never give up hope that one day maybe you really will feel better. That the cloud will lift. That the sun will shine. One day.

I'm having a stroke. Don't bother calling for an ambulance, it's not that kind.

Dear iPhone. Please don't red underline 'clit'. I know full well how to spell it, it's finding it I struggle with. Give me an app for THAT.