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I'm fairly certain I can guess what face Macaulay Culkin makes when he orgasms.
If your kid is too young to walk and you're carrying him around in a costume, you might as well wear a sign that says "The candy's for me."
If the Ancient Chinese were so smart why haven't they released a new proverb in the last 400 years?
No meteors tonight but I did see a moon. Not "the" moon. Neighbors need to invest in some curtains. Or I need to get off this ladder.
I know today is National Coming Out day, but c'mon Denver Broncos. Those uniforms need to go back in the closet.
Apparently at my gym, it's frowned upon to rub your ass on a moving treadmill.
With the introduction of the lottery in Arkansas this week, "winning the lottery" no longer means "finding the drunk chick at the 4-H Club"
Am I wrong to describe Twitter to a friend as a "massive online burrito update system"?
I asked my neighbor's talking dog to stop stealing my paper this morning. He replied "I'm not a dog and you're still drunk."
I'm glad the 1st Thanksgiving wasn't the other way around. If they had landed on our shores I'm pretty sure we would've shot those indians.
Well, I just checked and not everything is bigger in Texas. It's the same size as it was in Arkansas. Liars.
Me saying "Nice Costume" to people obviously not in costume will not get old today.
Just looked and for me to get a 50 star tweet my bots are gonna have to become self-aware. Or I could just be more funny. I'm lazy though.
Soccer is a lot like my sex life. Not the 90 minutes of boredom and ball kicking. I'm talking about the British announcers.
I wonder if the Templar Knights ever lost their probationary status and became full time Lar Knights.
Crying while watching the Goonies on the treadmill at the gym is not a good way to pick up women....It's our time down here damnit!!
Rambunctious & Quixotic
