"What if I started crying right now" is my favorite ice-breaker

can we stop pretending that jaundice wouldn't make a lovely name for a girl

If you hear your roommate having sex you're legally allowed to eat their snacks

Would you rather be savagely murdered or listen to someone eat yogurt

imagine a rock's bottom though. kinda cute

i just met a girl who was born in 2002 and now i feel expired

Relationship status: That hysterical laughter that plays in the background of Pink Floyd's "Any Colour You Like"

What kind of monster spells "lieutenant" correctly on the first try

i wouldn't call myself a "local celebrity" but i do live in constant fear of seeing people i know in public

Sorry your boyfriend uses Pic Stitch

CANCEL MY PLANS. cc: @MyFavMurder  https://twitter.com/cbsla/status/793161768004616192 …

is hummus sex

sext: u have the same name as my dog

what i lack in good looks i make up for in absolutely nothing

so cool how life will only get worse as our bodies slowly decay into oblivion

Would you rather be savagely murdered or listen to someone apply lotion to their hands

WAKE UP FOR WHAT

ABC Family is like if an armpit had a TV channel

Remember when Twitter drafts were just called "thoughts"