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THERE IS NO TACO EMOJI. WHAT DO I DO NOW. TACO IS HOW I FEEL AND I NEED TO CONVEY THIS
Somebody please invent an eyepatch for a cat butthole, thanks
It makes me feel so successful as a mom when my kid says "can we go frift shopeen?" & dances along as macklemore exclaims he has a big cock
When you say"that's the least of my concerns"I usually say"Really? Jonathan Taylor Thomas' whereabouts ranks higher on your relevance list?"
No birthday is complete without a debilitating migraine headache accompanied by sinus congestion. 🎉🎂🎈👎😷
Obviously someone just showed Ariel Castro a video of Miley's vma performance
My newborn son & I are starting a band. We're called the Violent Hiccups. Because we both have violent hiccups. We should learn instruments
Think my baby is throwing a rave in my belly. cool, but how did he get glow sticks in there?
My husband, soon-to-be father of 2, went to the Phish show tonight and HE LOST HIS SHOES AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW HE LOST HIS SHOES. I love him.
My 3 year old keeps telling me that our cat zooey is his grandma. I think he's a liar.
He should've ended that with a "bring it on down to omeletville!!"
My twitter feed was all like "Miley's ass though" and my Facebook feed is all like "poor Miley needs Jesus :("
Lady gaga must be on advocare
Dear people who know me in real life who recently found my twitter, I'm sorry. I need therapy. Love, courtneezus
Has anyone ever named their kid Spacejam? I'll give you $200 if you name your kid Spacejam.
If only it were legal to throw skinny people down the stairs