THERE IS NO TACO EMOJI. WHAT DO I DO NOW. TACO IS HOW I FEEL AND I NEED TO CONVEY THIS

Somebody please invent an eyepatch for a cat butthole, thanks

When you say"that's the least of my concerns"I usually say"Really? Jonathan Taylor Thomas' whereabouts ranks higher on your relevance list?"

My newborn son & I are starting a band. We're called the Violent Hiccups. Because we both have violent hiccups. We should learn instruments

Gettin faded on this ibuprofen. #yeahbitch #kidneystonelife
God if I had real pain medicine I would tweet way better jokes

I hear that Fergie just announced her pregnancy. Luckily for her she has great bladder control. #poise

Think my baby is throwing a rave in my belly. cool, but how did he get glow sticks in there?

My husband, soon-to-be father of 2, went to the Phish show tonight and HE LOST HIS SHOES AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW HE LOST HIS SHOES. I love him.

My 3 year old keeps telling me that our cat zooey is his grandma. I think he's a liar.

No birthday is complete without a debilitating migraine headache accompanied by sinus congestion. 🎉🎂🎈👎😷

C'mon #watertown, if this happened in LA they would have shot like 8 or 9 of the two suspects by now.

@nickmastodon your Vines make me so very happy:) don't ever stop, please.

Pretty sure I got strep throat by being in the same house with my brother, he has the poop chills. that's probably the same thing really

Yeah OK you roll your eyes at me now but have you ever snorted a line of straight up albuterol? Thought fuckin not #hardcore #laceup

If you saw and heard me like actually say a lot of my tweets you would star the dogshit out of them. You must not be reading them right.

Spotted: small man at Walmart buying creatine and Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 2

Just got fav'd by someone w/26k followers. GOD JUST HIT THE RT BUTTON ASSHOLE. Or do u like making girls cry. is that it you fucker bitch

Holy shit guys. 3 retweets and 11 stars on that last one ` is this the big twitter break I've been waiting for!!!

@yumcrackup It is exactly how I'm feeling.

I have decided that busy people like twitter & Fat people like Facebook. Or Facebook makes you fatter. Or my hypotheses are wrong & im drunk