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THERE IS NO TACO EMOJI. WHAT DO I DO NOW. TACO IS HOW I FEEL AND I NEED TO CONVEY THIS
Has anyone ever named their kid Spacejam? I'll give you $200 if you name your kid Spacejam.
Somebody please invent an eyepatch for a cat butthole, thanks
Who says I can't have mashed potatoes for breakfast??
It makes me feel so successful as a mom when my kid says "can we go frift shopeen?" & dances along as macklemore exclaims he has a big cock
When you say"that's the least of my concerns"I usually say"Really? Jonathan Taylor Thomas' whereabouts ranks higher on your relevance list?"
No birthday is complete without a debilitating migraine headache accompanied by sinus congestion. 🎉🎂🎈👎😷
Obviously someone just showed Ariel Castro a video of Miley's vma performance
My newborn son & I are starting a band. We're called the Violent Hiccups. Because we both have violent hiccups. We should learn instruments
Husband gave me creatine today without telling me. How many years in prison would he get for that? If I bloat I'm pressing charges.
You either love Cinnamon Toast Crunch or you're wrong.
Think my baby is throwing a rave in my belly. cool, but how did he get glow sticks in there?
My husband, soon-to-be father of 2, went to the Phish show tonight and HE LOST HIS SHOES AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW HE LOST HIS SHOES. I love him.
My 3 year old keeps telling me that our cat zooey is his grandma. I think he's a liar.
"I do think it's a shit, if I deuces on myself, if I deuces on myself, if I deuces on myself" Drunk in Love will never be the same for me.
He should've ended that with a "bring it on down to omeletville!!"
My twitter feed was all like "Miley's ass though" and my Facebook feed is all like "poor Miley needs Jesus :("
I'm mediocre funny if you catch me on a good day. I enjoy any & all opportunities to laugh. (FOMO)