It's true what they say: the Squeaky Fromme gets Release.

Saw Gregory Peck's talent-free grandson, Ethan, on TV the other day. He fell so far from the apple tree, he's an orange.

When writers make out, instead of hickies they give each other the most Eudorable Weltys.

Yakuza: Can you get in undetected to kill my rival?
Ninja: Shuriken.

I hired a high-end escort and paid for "The Wife Experience". She showed up in flannel jammies and ate all my Ben & Jerry's.

When you gaze into the abbess, you are probably going to conduct gynecological exams on the rest of the nuns as well.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant in Birmingham Alabama: Pho Nom In AL.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll hit you up to co-sign the loan on a boat. Cheaper just to feed him.

The real reason the GOP won't raise the debt ceiling: they can't understand the accents when they call customer support.

Was kicking a ball around with my dog. Wanted to bend it like Beckham; shanked like Sheldon instead. My cousin Sheldon the CPA.

http://twitpic.com/3di8qz This is what it's come to, finally.

Overheard at the drag club:

"I hear the new girl used to play center for the Raptors."

"We're going to need a bigger boa."

Did laundry this weekend; didn't realize cat was napping in the dryer. Now all my underwear is pink.

She offered me a craft beer. She brought me a Bud Light in a Bedazzled Dixie Cup.

Little Drummer Boy didn't have money to buy a proper gift for baby Jesus. He was a drummer; everything he earned went straight up his nose.

This one guy and I do not get along; I convinced him we should be frenemas. He's going to get a Fleet reminder of my burning hatred.

I would tap that like a raven at my chamber door. #tapThat

Finally cracked the code on the Sesame Street theme song. "Sunny days" are cops; "clouds" are the homeless. Jim Henson was a monster.

When Sarah Palin first learned about the miracle of Hanukkah she didn't get it. "If they need more oil, they should Drill, Baby, Drill!"

When I was young, a wise man taught me how to be cool. In exchange I must do the same for at least two others. It's a sort of Fonzie scheme.