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@coyotesqrl
R.A. Porter
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@coyotesqrl’s (R.A. Porter) best tweets
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It's true what they say: the Squeaky Fromme gets Release.
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Saw Gregory Peck's talent-free grandson, Ethan, on TV the other day. He fell so far from the apple tree, he's an orange.
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When writers make out, instead of hickies they give each other the most Eudorable Weltys.
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Yakuza: Can you get in undetected to kill my rival?
Ninja: Shuriken.
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I hired a high-end escort and paid for "The Wife Experience". She showed up in flannel jammies and ate all my Ben & Jerry's.
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When you gaze into the abbess, you are probably going to conduct gynecological exams on the rest of the nuns as well.
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant in Birmingham Alabama: Pho Nom In AL.
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll hit you up to co-sign the loan on a boat. Cheaper just to feed him.
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The real reason the GOP won't raise the debt ceiling: they can't understand the accents when they call customer support.
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Was kicking a ball around with my dog. Wanted to bend it like Beckham; shanked like Sheldon instead. My cousin Sheldon the CPA.
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http://twitpic.com/3di8qz
This is what it's come to, finally.
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Overheard at the drag club:
"I hear the new girl used to play center for the Raptors."
"We're going to need a bigger boa."
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Did laundry this weekend; didn't realize cat was napping in the dryer. Now all my underwear is pink.
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She offered me a craft beer. She brought me a Bud Light in a Bedazzled Dixie Cup.
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Little Drummer Boy didn't have money to buy a proper gift for baby Jesus. He was a drummer; everything he earned went straight up his nose.
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This one guy and I do not get along; I convinced him we should be frenemas. He's going to get a Fleet reminder of my burning hatred.
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I would tap that like a raven at my chamber door. #tapThat
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Finally cracked the code on the Sesame Street theme song. "Sunny days" are cops; "clouds" are the homeless. Jim Henson was a monster.
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When Sarah Palin first learned about the miracle of Hanukkah she didn't get it. "If they need more oil, they should Drill, Baby, Drill!"
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When I was young, a wise man taught me how to be cool. In exchange I must do the same for at least two others. It's a sort of Fonzie scheme.
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