I can’t show how much I hate exclamation points without looking like a hypocrite.

I’ve got 99 problems and they’re all luftballons.

I wonder if there's a number between one and ten that's thinking about me too.

Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

The difference between people who toss cigarette butts out of cars and monkeys who fling poo escapes me at the moment.

Fact: Your sub is worth a lot more if the sandwich artist dies after making it.

I’m bringin’ sexy back. To the store.

The assembly instructions were too confusing.

A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.

If it was called playing “stupid fucking moron” instead of “devil’s advocate,” meetings would be a lot shorter.

I’ve gotten pretty good at holding the corporate ladder steady while people climb it.

Motels 1 through 5 must’ve been real dumps.

Replaced my bathroom mirror with a flat screen TV and I look fantastic this morning. I’m also a pirate!

My son read a stop sign and asked what a 3-way was. My wife explained without me giggling once.

Guess those shock collars really do work.

The worst thing about being a poster child is probably the fear of thumbtacks.

Wife: “Working out again? You have a girlfriend or something?”
Me: “Why, what’ve you heard?”

She laughed so hard I’m sleeping on the couch.

My sweatpants say “I’m sorry” across the ass. It’s the least I could do.

Pro Tip: Don’t draw little hearts around her name on the restraining order.

My wife wants a minivan, but I threatened to withhold sex if she gets one.

Anyway, it’s Salsa Red Pearl and handles like a dream!

I’ve never met this ‘Asshole’ person, but I must look a lot like him.

Wife dragged me to a cooking class last night. I'm beyond clueless. When chef pointed out the whips & beaters, I shouted my safe word.