I've never had an ID photo that didn't scream, "And then she turned the gun on herself."

You know when you feel like you're being really productive but then you realize you're just sitting there eating muffins?

Locked in my office, teaching my first ever class in an hour. Hey, can nineteen year olds smell fear? What about urine? Gin?

I never laugh at jokes about paranoia because they are obvious traps and nice try.

I don't really care what I am for Halloween as long as I am a bear who breakdances.

I never realized just how terrified my colleagues are of looking stupid until I went around saying "No pun intended" after everything.

The thing about volunteering at the animal shelter on weekends is I am running out of places to hide puppies from my husband.

I always think secret santa is going to be awesome but then we draw names and who the hell is Karen?

"Is there any way I can pass your class?" "Well at this point the easiest thing would be to go back in time and do what I told you."

I rarely get to say "You're an idiot" in social situations, so thanks for naming your baby Nebula.

My dad spent the entire morning figuring out how to send a text message, just so he could say, "Hope the wings don't break off mid-flight."

Reading your own short stories in front of an audience is weird. Maybe next time I'll read more than just the sex scenes.

By dropping a highlighter just once I am able to highlight my book, my pants, my shoe, the carpet, and the dog.

My sister is pregnant, which sucks for me because of that time mum got drunk and said, "Whoever has the first baby gets the house."

I didn't understand blue camouflage until I disappeared at Wal-Mart.

Turns out a good way to make a student stop crying is to start crying yourself. "SORRY, IS THIS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU?"

If someone doesn't knock on our door and take some of this candy away soon, things (I) are (am) going to get tragic (fat).

Tried to request a personal day so I could go gambling on a riverboat but I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

Turns out there really is nothing like the moment after a student calls you "Mom." Time to step back and re-think these jeans.

No one in the neighborhood gang even gave a shit when I flawlessly performed all the dance routines from West Side Story.