@crackbarbie's (your real name) most faved Tweets...
Old people sleep in separate beds because they don't want to wake up next to a dead body.
Me: I had an awful day.
Him: Rough?
M: Yes! I dealt with so much BS!
H: Rough.
M: It's like you don't even care!
H: Rough.


I hate my dog.
I'm definitely going home with the Mom of the Year award. I took the double A's out of my vibrator so my son can play SpongeBob Operation.
I think that they should put pictures of missing transvestites on cartons of Half and Half.
Did you know you can fit 5 jelly beans in a sleeping child's nostril? I mean, I bet you can.
I'm buying the store brand toilet paper. I don't have any assholes to impress this week.
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Before I saw the "fundraiser" part of that sign, "Leukemia Spaghetti" sounded horrifying.
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Do you know what that useless skin around the vagina is? The woman.
What do you call a black guy that flys a plane? A pilot, you racists.
Awwww, that was sweet of them. Nyquil has a recommended dosage.
Pretty sad when I can look through favrd to find the first day of my last period.
Spell check always tries to change "jalepeno" to "jalopy" "Queso" to "quest" & "Mexican" to "cheap laborer." Phone is not Hispanic friendly.
Is it wrong that whenever I see an ambulance in front of a nursing home "Another one bites the dust" pops into my head?
Spilled my fucking Chinese food. This is why I can't have rice things.
I'm the classiest person in this mall and I just pooped my pants.
Nobody gets my bad 80's band puns. Maybe I should Go Go to a Crowded House in Chicago where some Men At Work can get me a fresh Air Supply.
A handlebar mustache may look ridiculous, but symmetrical eyelashes are even cilia.
You'd think after a certain size they'd stop making "skinny jeans"
10 year old is in the bathroom pooping and grunting. 4 year old said "Are you turnin' into Hulk in there?"
Every time I've gotten my wallet out of my bag to pay for something, a food wrapper comes with it. I now know the shame Kirstie Alley feels.
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