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Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
One thing humans can do better than robots is showing up two days late to their wedding smelling like malt liquor.
My upstairs neighbor's stomping morning exercise routine seems very healthy for him. He has the reddest blood I have ever seen.
got kicked out of the supermarket for eating off of the shelf, but since I was only eating cat food they didnt call the cops like last time.
I'm not drunk at work PER SE, it's just that I've had seven whiskey sours. Does anyone know what PER SE means? I'm drunk. At work.
my grandma keeps telling me I'm "just like my dad."
...which is why I'm guessing she won't let me breastfeed anymore.
god growing up sucks.
...which is why I'm guessing she won't let me breastfeed anymore.
god growing up sucks.
How many of these bags do we have to buy before Vera Bradley rips up the compromising pictures they must have of my wife?
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