Just ate a bag of M&Ms, or as I call it, trail mix without all the bullshit

Apostrophes are just commas that are high as shit

Instead of blonde hair and blue eyes, today's master race simply knows the difference between "lose" and "loose"

Existing Android features turned into gimmicks and marketed to the technologically inept #iPhone5Features

A gyro is a taco that went to Greece to make a better life for itself

I taught myself Spanish by pressing '2'

Invention: Dogsitter3000™ - it plays a recording of your voice yelling "NO!" every 10 minutes while you're gone

Never, and I mean never, underestimate a woman's ability to talk during the most important part of the movie

Things probably get pretty tense around the Kashi corporate restrooms when they're tinkering with the granola recipes

I'm cheating on my diet today with an older, more desperate diet

landline telephones are nice for when you want to give total strangers the ability to set off loud bells in your house

The dog keeps wanting to shake but I haven't the foggiest what I'm agreeing to

And earlier a blanket on the couch made my thigh hot. Well, thanks for reading

If you're already "passionate" about the arbitrary borders within which you were born, you can skip 2 semesters of culinary school

There's no time to watch cable news anymore, so I just pay a neighborhood kid to repeatedly yell "red alert" into a megaphone near my face

In the Old West, "Reach for the sky!" meant you were under arrest, but it was also a subtle reminder that you could do better

"Allegedly" means they did it, right?

I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

Typing with more than 2 fingers overqualifies you for most government jobs

All cashiers must obey whatever command you scribble in the signature portion of your credit cards