Hey people on christian mingle, maybe it's "Gods plan" for you to be all alone. Why do you defy Him?

If I had 30 bucks, I would buy an eighth. Not favstar.

Caller : can you tell me how to get to your store

Me: where are you at?

Caller : I don't know, I'm lost.

Me: then no.

If you think i spend too much time tweeting, you should see how much time I spend hiding my tweeting.

If you take longer than 3 mins at the redbox, it should be legal to punch you in the back of the fucking head.

My wife is pregnant. I want to put an earbud in her belly button, and play the baby old school Metallica. If he starts moshing, he's mine.

If my wife drives my son around a lot, I bet his first words are "pick a lane, fuckin' dick."

Fuck love... Count yourself lucky of you can just find someone as miserable as you are to hate life with.

If I was a tattoo artist, and someone requested a barcode tattoo, I would make it a barcode off of a summer's eve package.

I wish I had access to drugs that were even HALF as good as the ones the writers of "Sponge Bob Squarepants" get their hands on.

Some people compare marriage to prison. Not me. In prison they don't make you eat chicken every night.

"I will knock a mother fucker out."
-benadryl

I once cleaned a car out, and found a McDonald jelly packet that expired 2 years before the car was built. It still keeps me up at night.

Not saying I want it to happen, but I'm surprised more wieners don't pop out during pro wrestling matches.

I like to call those little one shot sized bottles of alcohol "breakfast sized"

Your never closer to getting punched in the face than when you say to me, "it is what it is".

If your shooting off fireworks on July 1st-3rd, I have no option but to also believe you are a premature ejaculator.

I wish I could illegally download food.

When I drunk tweet, and I get a star, or a retweet, i think "now I know what Hemmingway felt like".

Hey Taylor Swift..... Santa might visit you, but he isn't staying forever... Nothing personal. Don't write a song about it.